This rack of white pants at the Goodwill is my period's worst nightmare.

For all your fashion needs, visit Cotter's Church Supply warehouse at 1701 James M. Wood Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90015.

I'm going to wear this clergy robe with seven inch stilettos, a chastity belt and a riding crop on Saturday nights.

Name: Willie
Hometown: Boston

Willie told me all about how he spent most of his life at the horse tracks, gambling, and how much he misses the old Las Vegas. There was more to his story, but it all became a blur once I started visualizing our nuptials.

And I love a man with a good shoe shine.

Name: Larry
Hometown: Dayton

You know how some people are just born cool? Larry forced The Fonz into retirement decades ago. Every man on earth should strive to look this sharp. Know why? Because he's wearing a fucking zoot suit, that's why.

Also, Larry gave me his phone number so it looks like we'll be going steady. Sorry guys, I'm off the market.

For all of you who don't like to take fashion risks, why not buy your bald, handless wife a drab dress for $16.99 from a bodega that is made of fabric that will probably give her a rash.

Name: Trueblood
Hometown: Chicago

I love a man who can casually wear a three piece suit on a Monday night like, hey, no big deal, I'm the sharpest looking dude in this bar. He gets extra credit for donning a cream color despite the fact that the sidewalks down here are coated in a film of bodily fluids. I should've asked him how he kept it so clean.

Name: Heather
Hometown: Montreal

Heather has the right idea. After losing several watches, she safety pinned one to her blouse. I don't own a watch, but I'm going to buy one today so I can give this trend a whirl.

Also, Heather is a lovely woman who lives a block away from me. I'll hopefully run into her again soon.